As per the contract, we are posting (most of) the Dan Rutherford interview with Fred Smith and Joe Schmoe, authors of Institutionalized. Please note that the views expressed by these gentlemen do not necessarily reflect the views of Blood & Treasure.

Now, Fred Smith and Joe Schmoe ... they’re not your real names, are they?

Joe: Nah, they’re whaddaya call it, name da plums.

Institutionalized is your first book?

Fred: Yeah. You gotta problem with that?

No. It’s just that your book hasn’t received very good reviews ... um ... I hated it ... the writers should be taken out and shot to put us all out of our misery ... ranks right up there with ...

Joe: Yeah, well, everyone’s entitled to their opinion.

Fred: Yeah, even if they’s a bunch of looney morons who wouldn’t know a good book if it bit ‘em in the [Beep], right, boss?

Joe: That’s right, Fred. Anyways, the whatchamacallit, the literary style’s got nuttin to do with us. That’s the fault of the editors at Blood & Treasure. Completely rewrote the manuscript, the double dealin’ two-bit skeevy thieves.

We are talking about the publisher who took your book, aren’t we? The people who paid to have it printed and distributed and so on, right?

Joe: The people who stole the rights and the profits and give us nuttin but a ticket to Bermuda and a couple coupons for half-price cheeseburgers, yeah, that’s them.

You’re accusing them of some sort of illegality?

Fred: Nah, we’s just sayin' they’s lousy stinkin’ thieves is all.

If you feel that way, why not go to the police?

Joe: That’s a long story, but suffice it to say that we ain’t exactly confident of success in that area.

Fred: Yeah, we got our records to think of.

I see. Was the undercover work you undertook for this book strictly on the right side of the law?

Joe: Well, Dan, you gotta look at these things from the perspective of surveillance experts like us. We’s very dedicated professionals. It’d be a shame wastin’ our talents workin’ at McDougal’s or somewheres like that, know what I’m sayin’?

Fred: Yeah, but boss, you gotta admit the perks at McDougal’s is pretty good. Extra pickles and everythin’. Plus you don’t gotta get your legs broke or nuttin.

Fred, you sustained serious injuries during the course of this surveillance. Was the danger worth the rewards?

Fred: Well, truth is I’s not qualified for much ‘cept bein’ a expert spy. I’s gotten pretty used to the risks.

But don’t you think it’s a little unfair that you take all the risks while Joe here sits in the background issuing orders?

Joe: Fred don’t mind that, Dan. He knows I’s the brains behind Fred & Joe’s corporate espunization at espunization dot com in the yellow pages under private eye.

Fred: Yeah, he’s the boss.

But you had to work some pretty long hours, Fred. Were you paid overtime?

Joe: Fred understands, Dan, that you gotta have a project by project mentality in corporate espunization. Now, as the mastermind behind the organization, I get the work for us and liaze with the big boss whoever he or she might be. That’s just the way it is.

Okay, well, thank you for speaking with us, gentlemen ...

Joe: Hey, no problem and if any of youz guys out there need our service, we’s at your service in a manner of speakin’. That’s Fred & Joe’s corporate espunization in the yellow pages under P.I.E.